6/ The hum, the needle and the reflective sting

Not having a mortgage or a house, just a big backpack, no significant other or kids, is giving me a different level of flexibility that feels freeing ( and a little frightening occasionally).. I take full accountability for this decision whilst I travel.

A lot of different decisions lead me down a path to create flexibility on these terms, my terms. Including some big dollops of gratitude for situations that go your way and some even bigger dollops of what you gave up or taking a certain decision.

There are some broad ways that our worlds fall into a specific hum. A vibration that means the world goes round, the way it always has. Well, there is also an age-old adage that says ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’

As I sit writing this from a balcony in Ella, Sri Lanka. Surrounded by trees, mountains and a lot of spiritual energy from the Buddhist monasteries that sit tucked away in the undergrowth and hillsides. I am reminded that I have not always done, what I always did, and I often don ‘t get what I’ve always got. I try and remember and keep the good bits, learn from mistakes and others, my tears and frustration still show there is constant learning to be had. I use them mindful bricks to try and grow, all play a part in the story.  

       Questioning however also means, a lot of the time you can feel out of sync. The first paragraph is very objective. But does it give subjective Joy? Maybe, maybe not.

As lots of my friends settle into family units, with partners and children – I am constantly reminded of the social pressure and norms that exist around us. Those that exist in tradition, books, film, music, you name it.

But as I constantly return to beans, bricks and beaches in my head and settle into this year of space to think, I am also reminded that the hum can shift and be beautiful.

I gave up my weekends and Christmases to try and get ahead at work. I balanced that with Monday nights out with my pal Whitey who also worked in retail. I took responsibility for self-learning and patience whilst trying to develop as a human and leader. I cemented my want to not have children, a conscious decision, I was consistently told even  by close friends ‘of course you want kids’ – eye roll. I watched as friends went on holidays and parties that I had to miss out on. I looked in the mirror when I bought my first house, when I got promoted, helped transform businesses, ran my first marathon – the list goes on.

I have been digging deep for a long time now on purpose, on purpose. Personal and professional.

So it really is liberating not knowing what day of the week it is, having some real freedom.

But this is a constant balance, as we all have bills to pay, passions to enjoy, time to fill – no one right way is correct and with what feels like an ever-growing pace of change the world at times feels unjust, that balance can feel even more un-harmonious.

I have often felt the record needle skipped for me and for others it kept spinning. Sometimes the scratch takes you forward and sometimes back. But the record keeps spinning and so does the hum.

Having time to blow on the record, that was just a speck of dust getting in the way – has allowed me to listen to myself. Reflect on memories, romanticise futures, but most importantly enjoy the moment for what it is.

I realised this is not a new thing. I was doing this stuff at home but not giving it the thought and I was spending way more time in the past and future, aligning my hums to others that have the ‘right lives, at the right time’.  But maybe just not the one I want to lead.

I am reminded the more I digest different cultures both from travellers and locals. The more I sink into the memories I have of home. The more I sit in the present.

The more I find a love to take accountability in the moment, to be curious, present and act.